Big Government: The Great Panacea
Step right up and see the wonder that is Big Government! It’s strong, it’s flexible, and it is not limited by any checks or balances! It is your one solution for all your problems both big and small –tiny or tall. Big government is what you need to fix all your worries and concerns, from domestic troubles to foreign conflicts! Big government can approve your marriage, define its terms, and even step in to keep your ex from sleeping around until those papers are final!
What about those other people, though? You know, the ones constantly doing things that offend or upset you? Big government can make them stop under penalty of law. CEO taking his company offshore? Big government can stop that. Do you want less foreigners in your country? Big government! Gay people being gay? Someone call Big Government! Someone smoking something that you personally wouldn’t? No more simply having to mind your business, Big Government is here to help!
And folks, Big Government is compatible with both major parties. Our Democratic Big Government will help you take money from those you feel have too much, will force people to buy insurance, and make sure things like hand guns, E Cigs, and large sodas are kept far away from the people they can hurt! Make corporations tremble and bow at your feet for favor with Democratic Big Government.
And for our friends on the right, Republican Big Government can really help shape the social culture of your country to better reflect your personal religious beliefs. No more pressing 1 for English or having to struggle to understand the clerk at the local 7/11. With Republican Big Government, everyone is forced to learn English. Drugs? Not with this model—Republican Big Government will rip non-violent offenders from their beds, shoot their dogs, and lock them in a cage if they dare to smoke pot or snort some coke. And if you’re tired of people using their genitals in ways you personally wouldn’t enjoy, this is the model for you. Make the God of Old Testament proud by sparing no mercy for those sexual heathens!
What about money? Do you have problems affording food? Clothes? Cars? Televisions? Or perhaps you’re an advocate of solar energy, something most people can’t afford these days. Well guess what? Big Government will reduce the costs of the things you need! The subsidy feature allows Big Government to use money it has stolen for others to make the prices on things you enjoy lower! Isn’t that amazing?
Right now you’re probably thinking: sure big government sounds great, but it has to be expensive. That’s the great part! Big government practically pays for itself by devaluing your currency, taking on massive debt, stealing from the most productive, and waging war for resources. Is it free? No, but it will only cost you a loss of freedom and the incremental downgrading of the quality of your life. So it is practically free. In fact, Big Government creates money out of thin air!
Act now, call us up and have your Bill of Rights ready to relinquish! Mortgage tomorrow for some comfort today! Make your personal values law!
